


Teen Idle

by Juniiper



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, quarterback Seungcheol, rich boy jeonghan again lol, set in the US
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23995222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juniiper/pseuds/Juniiper
Summary: Seungcheol would forever be the only man worthy of him
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 28
Kudos: 148





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are some mentions of abuse and self harm and underage sex(they’re just hinted at and it’s nothing graphic)so please proceed with caution if it’s something you’re not comfortable with

Yoon Jeonghan was fucked up. 

At least that was what he had been told numerous times by numerous people. People that barely knew him, people who had known him since birth, people who had only heard about him. They all thought the same and if he was being honest Jeonghan felt nothing from their words. He couldn’t care less what others thought of them at this point. 

He was free to live as he wanted. Free to make decisions he could regret later. Free to make all the mistakes he had been scared to make before, mistakes he wasn’t allowed to make. 

It was as if he was reborn the day he had turned eighteen and he would be a fool to waste this new chance at life. 

He had power over his own life now and it was this power that drove him to the edge sometimes. Not knowing what to do with it had led him onto dangerous paths but he failed to notice it. All he could he feel was the fresh air and the power coursing through his veins. 

* * *

Jeonghan was the only child of the Yoon family. A miracle baby they had called him, born ten years after his parents' marriage. 

What most people didn’t know was that jeonghan was not the first child. He had an older brother. A brother that was taken away from his parents just a few months after birth. 

Being from a powerful influential family meant that they had enemies. Enemies that were beyond dangerous. Not taking their threats seriously had led to the death of their innocent first born. That was why the paranoia sat in. 

  
  


They had given up hope for a child by then, locked away all the clothes and toys they had prepared along with their dreams of parenthood. They had sworn to never try again, to never put themselves in that situation again. They had been pitied. To have everything they could ever want, riches beyond belief but the one dream they had would always have would never be 

But then Jeonghan was born and the happiness slowly returned. 

He was prized and cherished from the moment he was born. They had been expecting a daughter and so Jeonghan was raised like both a son and a daughter and no one ever had a problem with it. He was kept under the constant care of his mother. She never let him out of his sight and as a child Jeonghan had loved that. Loved the affection and he loved the attention. 

But that started to change as he grew up. His parents' constant involvement got annoying fast. The homeschooling was too much and the restrictions on friendship and any outside activity started to drive him insane. 

He longed to play in the park, to enjoy school with the other kids, to have someone his age to play with. However none of what he said had mattered. All his oppositions were ignored and he was told that he was far too special for the others in this world. 

He supposed that’s where his superiority complex developed. It wasn’t really a problem but he did consider himself at a higher rank than others. He didn’t see the big deal behind it. He was special and it was okay to think that so why did the others frown on it so much. 

He was beautiful and he had possession of whatever he wanted. Surely there wasn’t anyone else like him. He had everything anyone ever wanted so how wasn’t he better than the rest. 

It was for this reason alone that his parents agreed to send him to a public high school after the insistence of his aunt. 

Jeonghan had hated the thought of that at first, hated having to associate with other people but he began to see the silver lining. 

This way he could leave the house and do what he wanted at least at this new school. It was an exciting thought and he could kiss his aunt for convincing his parents of this. 

High school was where he met Seungcheol for the first time. The star quarterback and beloved student. He was the perfect boy and Jeonghan had to admit that he was the only one in the entire school who had caught his attention. 

The others there were all desperate teenagers, wanting to get closer to him because of his wealth, he could see right through them and he wanted nothing to do with them. Their compliments meant nothing and their stares made him beyond uncomfortable. 

Jeonghan wanted Seungcheol only . 

  
  


And as he navigated his way through high school, He made it his mission to take Seungcheol for himself. 

* * *

Prom was important to seventeen year olds. It was what Jeonghan had noticed in the past month. He was shocked by the waves of excitement coursing through the high school campus. The chattering kids and the overexcited staff got on his nerves if he was being honest. Most things that didn’t concern him were annoying to him. 

This was no exemption. 

What was the point of even faking interest in something he would never be allowed to attend. Why should he make idle conversation about something he would never get to experience. It was like setting himself up for disappointment which is why he never engaged.knew better than to let his hopes up only to be pushed to the ground later. 

It didn’t stop him from staring bitterly at the planning committee and their preppyness. It didn’t stop the bile from rising up his throat every time he saw or heard someone talk about their plans. And it most definitely did not stop the annoyance from clawing at him each time someone questioned him about the event. 

Nosiness and fake interest is what peeved him the most but of course he could never let it show. There was no way he could ruin his image by screaming out how he really felt about this stupid school and their stupid dance. 

And it was with the same bitterness and hatred that he had sat out on his balcony on the day of the dance. Cursing everyone responsible for his loneliness. Finally ready to admit that he was in fact, alone. 

In the silence he wondered what he would have done had he been given permission to go. 

Would he enjoy himself? 

He supposed he could have. He could have danced, could have let the boys touch him in ways that would freak his mother out of her skin. He could have been prom king, or queen if he wanted, he was beautiful enough for it. He was adored by his classmates, adored by his seniors, by the teachers. They would do anything for him, it was part of his charm. Jeonghan could have it all if he wanted. 

He could have had a decent time. Jeonghan knew how to have fun, he had plans and ideas to entertain himself but what he lacked was courage to go through with them. It held him back. Being too careful. 

“Hey, stranger!” A deep voice, distant but clear brought him out of his daze. It startled him a little but looking down brought a smile to his face. “Care to share your woes?” 

Choi Seungcheol. As dramatic as ever but exceptionally handsome in his tuxedo. Jeonghan wondered what he was doing here but realised soon enough that he didn’t care because Seungcheol being here made him that less lonely. 

“Come on up, the door is open. Like always.” Jeonghan shouted out to him, pulling his sweater closer to himself. The wind was chilly, it made shivers run through him but he supposed those were from excitement. A laugh escaped him when he saw Seungcheol eagerly abandon his bicycle on the ground to run into the house.

He was excited. To see Seugcheol? To have company? Or was he glad that he wasn’t the only one missing out? It was rude but something 

Ike that couldn’t be put past him. 

“It’s so cold out!” Seungcheol was next to him in the next moment, panting and slightly out of breath. His hair was tousled but it only added to his charm. For a moment jeonghan was awestruck.

“You’re not wearing enough clothes either! Are you trying to freeze to death?” Seungcheol wasted no time in removing his jacket, placing it on Jeonghan’s shoulders. It sat heavy on his body but it was warm and smelt of Seungcheol so he pulled it closer. It was a cliche move but Jeonghan knew Seungcheol better than that. Seungcheol was no modern age romeo. Seungcheol did things for him because he cared genuinely, not because he had some other motive. Seungcheol was the polar opposite of him and most things Jeonghan thought idealistically, didn’t apply to Choi Seungcheol. 

He was a puzzle that Jeonghan had yet to figure out. He was complex, unlike the other boys their age who Jeonghan could read by the look on their faces. They ran on testosterone boosts and perpetual horniness. It was disgusting and perhaps the only thing he agreed with his mother on. Teenage boys were pigs. Not worth his time at all but Seungcheol could be an exception. 

_ Couldn’t he?  _

“And what if I am?” 

“Then I won’t let you. I skipped prom for you.” Seungcheol replied as seriously as ever, reminding Jeonghan once again that he cared. More than he needed to. 

“Hm, I suppose that’s fair.” Jeonghan reached out to pat him on the cheek, liking the way his smooth skin felt under the palm of his hands. Seungcheol was too soft. 

Seungcheol leaned into the touch, eyes bright and fond. It was too much. Jeonghan had to pull away.

“Are you not going to ask me why?” Seungcheol circled his arms around his waist, looking out over the balcony with jeonghan. It was behaviour that was normal for him but even now jeonghan couldn’t stop the goosebumps from erupting on his skin at the slightest touch. 

“No, it was your choice to miss. I don’t really care.” A deep breath. Seungcheol was too close and Jeonghan felt his gasp more than he heard it.

“You’re always so mean to me! Be grateful you brat!” Seungcheol pinched his waist and jeonghan elbowed him as hard as he could. 

“It’s the truth, learn to face it. It was your decision after all. I never asked to come.” Direct and unapologetic. That was Jeonghan. He couldn’t change that, not even for the boy whose feelings mattered more than his own. 

“Well then, I guess I’ll just leave then. Since my company clearly doesn’t matter to you.” Seungcheol pulled away and Jeonghan never turned back to look at his expression. Instead he grabbed his wrist without ever looking back. Surely Seungcheol knew him well enough to understand his bluntness. 

“You won’t. Admit it Choi Seungcheol, you like me better than anyone else in that hellhole.” The smile spreading on his face was unhideable. The satisfaction he felt knowing this little fact was unbelievable. He felt it in his bones, it made him come alive. 

“That’s true.” Seungcheol returned to his position, this time nuzzling into Jeonghan's neck. 

Too close.

Too good.

“I just didn’t want you to miss out on your first dance.” It was whispered but jeonghan heard him the quiet with the way they were pressed together. 

“I hate to break it to you but you being here doesn’t really change that fact.” Jeonghan scoffed aloud, pulling at one of Seungcheol’s fingers. 

“Yeah, you still miss out on the event but not a dance.” Seungcheol sounded so damn proud of himself that jeonghan had to look back at him. His hands were in the pocket of the coat he had wrapped around Jeonghan and he pulled out a cassette player from one. Displaying it with a proud smile on his face as jeonghan wondered how he had failed to notice it before. 

“You couldn’t go so I brought the dance to you.” 

It was another one of the moments that made jeonghan wonder how Seungcheol had been blessed with such a pure heart and such a child-like innocence. It was endearing to say the least and jeonghan had fought hard to keep the smile off of his face.

But he already knew it was a losing battle. 

“May I have this dance?” Seungcheol bowed exaggeratedly, extending his hand out to Jeonghan. The theatrics continued but Jeonghan was thoroughly amused. 

“God, the drama continues.” He tried to remain as indifferent as he could even as he put his hand in Seungcheol’s and allowed himself to be pulled closer. 

The moon was bright in the sky and the soft melody playing was enough to set the atmosphere and soon Jeonghan slowly felt himself falling into Seungcheol. Close together like this under the pale moonlight.

“Are you sure you want to be here?” Jeonghan didn’t really want to know the answer, he wanted to stay like this. Wanted to keep holding Seungcheol close like this as they swayed in the darkness to the song playing on Seungcheol’s cassette player.

“I heard you were going to be prom king this year. That’s a big deal.” He tightened his hold on Seungcheol’s shoulders then, pulling him impossibly closer. Their hips were pressed together like this and Jeonghan let Seungcheol take the lead. Just like he usually would. 

“I’d rather be a nobody here with you.” They were words laden with meaning. They fell from Seungcheol’s lips and so they mattered. Jeonghan was scared to face him but he could already feel his body coming alive as Seungcheol’s hands travelled down his backside. He felt his touch like electricity, lighting up every nerve and it was this intensity that scared him. 

The same intensity he would find in Seungcheol’s gaze when he looked up at him. The moonlight illuminated his face, making it seem as if he was glowing. 

It was in moments like this that Jeonghan felt undeserving and incredibly selfish but he knew there was no way that he could let go. Not when Seungcheol looked at him with that loving gaze, like he was the only one that mattered to him. 

It made him want to be  _ adored _ . Loved for who he was. And if he could he would keep Seungcheol all to himself. Keep him away from wandering eyes and lonely people ,much like himself, because he never wanted to stop feeling this way. 

“What about your girlfriend? Won’t she be upset?” He didn’t know why he asked that, he didn’t want to know nor did he want to ruin the moment, especially when he could feel Seungcheol pressed up against him like this. But he couldn’t help it, this is who he was, who was turned into after years of being alone. Jeonghan didn’t know how to keep his thoughts to himself and Seungcheol knew that better than anyone. 

“I’d have to have one for her to be upset.” 

Seungcheol just laughs and Jeonghan is confused by the relief that washes over him. It wouldn’t have mattered even if he had someone else because they both knew that Seungcheol would come running if Jeonghan was to call. It gave him an odd sense of satisfaction, accompanied with guilt that he pushed down to deal with later. 

Seungcheol was  _ his _ . Had been his from the start and anyone who came between them was the one at fault. 

“I’m sorry you couldn’t go.” Seungcheol eventually tightened his hold on jeonghan’s waist, speeding up his movements with the tempo of the song _. I’m sorry your parents didn’t let you go,  _ that’s what he should have said but this was a topic never breached. It was something that was off limits in times like these because Seungcheol was Jeonghan's escape. The only time he felt like he was himself again. And he would be damned if he tainted these moments with conversations of his obsessive parents or Seungcheol’s broken home. 

“It’s okay, this is better.”

Under the moon, on the balcony, on the night of their school dance, they were just Jeonghan and Seungcheol. 

Best friends. 

Maybe more, maybe less. He wasn’t sure but as he stared into Seungcheol’s eyes he wondered if he also looked at Seungcheol with the same expression. With the same vague fondness and same sad eyes. 

He wondered if Seungcheol could read him just as well as he could read him. He wondered if Seungcheol felt the same elation he did knowing that he had someone’s heart in the palm of his hands. 

But he knew the answer to that. Seungcheol wasn’t like him. Seungcheol wasn’t selfish,Seungcheol had no ill intent. Seungcheol didn’t feed off of power like Jeonghan did. Seungcheol didn’t need someone to give everything up for him to feel even an ounce of love. 

Seungcheol was made to love, made to be loved but Jeonghan couldn’t do that. He wasn’t even sure if he had the ability to care for something or someone more than he cared for himself. 

Would Seungcheol keep him around forever? Would Seungcheol love him forever? Would he love him the most?

These were questions that had no definitive answer but Jeonghan still seeked them out. Because no matter how much of a narcissist he was he knew Seungcheol would be the one to melt his frigid heart.

* * *

“You know I find it unfair that I’m the only one allowed to be your friend but I’m still not allowed to come to your house freely.” Seungcheol mused as he walked next to Jeonghan up to his locker in the school hall. 

The thought made jeonghan and of that moment he wanted to list all the ways his parents had not been fair. Not being able to have friends over seemed tame in the face of all the other restrictions that were placed on him. 

But of course they never discussed things like this and so many words were left unspoken. 

“You should be glad I even keep you around as my friend. I could easily make new ones.” Jeonghan stopped in front of his locker, opening it up rather harshly, trying to relieve all the frustration that had built up in his body at the mere mention of his parents. 

“I don’t doubt that. But I just wanna come visit you!” Seungcheol smiled at him, leaning against the lockers and he looked like a complete fool. Like the quarterback he was. It was a good look. Jeonghan could understand why girls threw themselves at him. 

_ Pathetic _ .

“Well the window is always open.” Jeonghan said without ever looking at Seungcheol to see the expression on his face. 

“Well, isn’t that interesting.” 

Jeonghan had mentioned it rather casually expecting Seungcheol to show up maybe once or twice. What he didn’t think was that this would become a habit. 

* * *

“If my parents ever found out how often you come here, they’d freak.” Jeonghan stood at the side of his window watching with amusement as Seungcheol struggled to enter the room. He could help but he wasn’t responsible for Seungcheol’s terrible life choices. 

“Well then make sure they never find out then.” Seungcheol fell in with a thud and Jeonghan didn’t even try to repress his laughter.

Seungcheol was the only friend he was allowed to have but that didn’t mean that he could be in Jeonghan's room. He could practically see his mother having an aneurysm at the thought of it. That was what made it more exciting. 

“Or we let them know and watch my mother have a breakdown.” Jeonghan laughed at that thought, missing the concerned look on Seungcheol’s face. It would be worth it. He just wanted his mother to know that he really wasn’t what she had thought. That he had a mind of his own, plans to rebel that were constantly pushed in fear of losing what he had now. 

“Yeah and then you can watch as your dad kills me with that revolver he swears is for decoration.” Seungcheol got off the floor and plopped himself in the bed, legs spread and head resting on an arm bent behind him. 

“Don’t say that, Cheollie. I’d never let them hurt you.” Jeonghan was quick to climb on top of Seungcheol, straddling him to get a closer look at his face. The thought had scared him if he was being honest. Seungcheol was the only light in his life and no matter how much jeonghan had tried to convince himself of the fact that he was just fine on his own, he would always,  _ always  _ need Seungcheol. 

“Others maybe but never you.” Hurting others wasn’t something unbecoming of his parents but they would have hell to pay if they ever harmed even a hair on his head. 

Seungcheol was precious. 

Seungcheol was Jeonghan’s. 

“That’s reassuring but can we keep the hurting people to a minimum?” Seungcheol chuckled awkwardly, raising a hand up to tuck a strand of jeonghan’s hair behind his ear. His parents' power was not to be misjudged. They had reach and money. Enough money to hide the truth and always come up on top. They both were all too aware of that and it was what kept Jeonghan restrained to this house and his parents' outrageous rules.

“Why do you think I listen to them?” Jeonghan scoffed a little and moved even closer to Seungcheol. Close enough that he could feel the other man's breath hitting the base of his neck. Seungcheol always smelled of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne but the scent was intoxicating. Jeonghan wanted to be surrounded by it constantly. It was embarrassing to admit that for some reason. To admit that he was in fact scared of what his parents could do. 

“Hey,” Seungcheol called out to him and Jeonghan finally gathered the courage to look into Seungcheol’s eyes. They were as honest and clear as ever. Jeonghan could stare into them forever. 

“Only one more year.” 

Another year. He would only have to tolerate it for another. He would only have to be brave for another year. Then he would be eighteen. An adult. An adult with the ability to choose for himself.

Another year. 

That’s all. 

And he wouldn’t be alone. No. He’d have Seungcheol. Sweet, loving Seungcheol who put his happiness above his own. He could do this if he had Seungcheol. 

“Yeah.” 

He didn’t know what came over him then but it was suddenly so easy for him to lean in closer and press his glossy lips against Seungcheol’s chapped ones, in what could be described the most chaste kiss ever. It was merely a press of lips, innocent and curious. There were no butterflies but Jeonghan knew it was  _ right _ . It felt right. 

Seungcheol had frozen up beneath him and Jeonghan couldn’t help but chuckle. The anxiety and nervousness was crawling up his throat but he still had hope and Seungcheol  _ finally  _ grabbing his waist was enough indication that he did too. 

They never moved past that. Jeonghan pulled away to stare at the other boy, wanting to know what he felt. They lay there with locked gazes, even breathing carefully as to not disrupt the atmosphere. 

“You taste like burnt paper.” Jeonghan made a show of licking his lips. A tease. 

Then Seungcheol lifted his head up, pressing one more kiss against his lips, effectively smudging the lip gloss jeonghan had so carefully applied. 

Then another. 

Then another 

And another. 

It was as if they were stuck in a trance, unable to do anything but stare and then connect their lips, trying to get even closer. Jeonghan could feel the elation bubbling up in his stomach. He could feel Seungcheol’s desperation from the way he pressed their lips together roughly, barely giving Jeonghan a moment to breathe. It was everything he wanted and more. 

Seungcheol’s affection. 

Seungcheol’s complete attention.

Seungcheol’s heart.

Seungcheol, Seungcheol, Seungcheol. 

He was all he could feel, all he could taste, all he could think of. And he couldn’t get enough of him. Ever.

“I don’t think your mother would like this,” Seungcheol laughed, out of breath and completely out of it. He looked like he was in euphoria and Jeonghan loved being the reason behind. 

“It doesn’t matter because I do.” Jeonghan dipped back in to kiss him again. Harder this time. More meaningful. 

“I like you.”

Seungcheol would forever be the only man worthy of him. 

* * *

Seungcheol came to him with another bruise the next day. His eye was slightly swollen, the skin around it discoloured. It definitely wasn’t the only bruise he had, the limp and the grimace on his face as he walked was proof of that. Jeonghan didn’t question him on it. After all it wasn’t his business. It didn’t concern him and some things were better hidden. 

All that mattered now was that Seungcheol was here. With him. Here, he was safe. Protected from whatever demons he had left behind at home. 

“I got you ice cream!” His smile was as radiant as ever and Jeonghan wondered how he did that. How he could pretend so easily that getting beaten to an inch of his life didn’t bother him. But he supposed they both were excellent actors by now. 

“Is it strawberry?” Jeonghan greeted him with a kiss. Cringing slightly when the metallic taste of blood settled his tongue. Of course Seungcheol had left his wound open so carelessly. But again, Jeonghan would not comment on it. 

This was how they dealt with their problems. Left them untended and masked them with new conversations. It wasn’t healthy, he knew, they both did but there wasn’t anything that could be done to solve them, Not while they were still considered kids, so distractions were welcome. 

“Of course it is, your highness.” Seungcheol kissed him once more before flopping down next to the bed, on one of the many cushions Jeonghan had laid out. Jeonghan merely flipped him off before leaving to get a wet tissue from his dresser. 

The taste of blood was awful. 

“One of the boys broke his legs at practice today, it’s why I was late getting home.” Seungcheol said as jeonghan sat next to him, gently wiping away all the blood on and around his lips. They wouldn’t speak about what had happened but Seungcheol always gave some sort of reason as to why and Jeonghan always cleaned and dressed his wounds. It was all the explanation Jeonghan would get and it was all he needed. 

“I think we might lose the next game.” Just like that, the conversation was steered into another direction. That easily. 

“Because of one person? Don’t sell yourself short. You could win it alone if you wanted.” Jeonghan was sure of that. Seungcheol was good at football, that was obvious. He had good leadership skills and he led his team to many easy victories. In fact he was sure the only way that team could lose was if Seungcheol wanted them to. 

That fact registered a little late in Jeonghan's brain and he slapped the other boy when he realised this was a way to fish for compliments. Jeonghan had fallen for it too easily. 

Was the smile on Seungcheol’s face worth the embarrassment? 

Maybe it was. 

“Maybe it would be easier for you if you just asked me to compliment you.” Jeonghan shoved him, mindful of his injuries. He huffed and got up to throw the tissues away and grab the ointment instead. The little basket on his dresser was now full of various first aid items. They looked out of place and they clashed with the other items on the dresser but they were needed quite frequently. This was another sacrifice he had been willing to make for Seungcheol. 

His annoyance was obvious from his rigid form. He wasn’t used to complimenting others. It took a lot for him to do so. His boyfriend was well aware of that and yet he still used his tactics to bring Jeonghan out of his comfort zone. 

Jeonghan could understand the need to be complimented. He himself lived off of them but they were only to boost his ego. To emphasise his beauty that’s he was so well aware of.

But he didn’t like being played like that. He didn’t like being subject to any games, even of a playful nature. 

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, baby.” Seungcheol laughed and reached out a hand to him, convincing him to come back. “I’ve got something to give you.” 

That peaked his interest. Jeonghan enjoyed gifts. And a gift from Seungcheol was always that much more special. 

Jeonghan sighed as he sat down next to him once more, the ointment clutched in his shaky hands. 

“What is it?” 

He watched Seungcheol positively light up as he pulled out his cherished cassette player. The thing was so old now but the other boy still seemed to carry it around everywhere. There were many other ways to listen to music now but Seungcheol seemed adamant of keeping the old device in use. It was old fashioned but it obviously meant something to him so jeonghan never questioned it.

From the other pocket he pulled out a cassette, the case was scribbled over, decorated with the stickers Jeonghan had always found cute. It was so incredibly cliche that Jeonghan just couldn’t hold back his surprised laugh. 

“You made me a mixtape?” He was in shock. Leave it to Seungcheol to be the most unpredictable man. 

“Hey, don’t laugh at me! This is important to me!” Seungcheol swatted at him, wanting him to stop laughing but he failed and soon joined in as well. It was a ridiculous thought but jeonghan should hear him out at least. 

“Songs have meaning. They’re precious to me and I don’t share them with just anyone, you know! I like to keep my music choices a secret! These are hidden gems!” Seungcheol rambled on as Jeonghan rushed to play the cassette, eager to hear the music. Despite his initial surprise, Jeonghan was intrigued. 

A soft melody drifted through the room and Jeonghan laughed out loud. Jeonghan immediately recognised the song as  _ making love out of nothing at all  _ by Air Supply. 

“Hidden gems? You call one of the hit songs of the 80’s a hidden gem?” He scoffed as he continued to listen. Jeonghan was all too familiar with pop culture but he would be honest and admit that he had never really  _ listened  _ to the song. 

“Okay so maybe it’s not so much of a secret but no one listens to it anymore!” Seungcheol was blushing now, hands moving rapidly as he tried to prove his point. “Besides, this song just reminds of you. That’s why it matters.” The last part of it was mumbled but jeonghan caught it. 

_ And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes, like a spotlight.  _

“It’s kind of like the words I can’t say.” 

Was this really how Seungcheol viewed him? Jeonghan had always wondered what his image was in the eyes of the other man and now Seungcheol was trying to give him a glance and all he had been was judgemental. 

_ The beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost and it’s looking for a rhythm like you.  _

Seungcheol could no longer look at him and Jeonghan felt himself blushing as well. Different emotions hit him all at once and for a moment he was paralysed, staring at Seungcheol with complete disbelief. 

It was a song. It shouldn’t mean so much. But Seungcheol had said it had reminded him of jeonghan and the thought kept revolving in his head making this song far more intimate. It wasn’t written for him but it was shared with him by the man he was coming to love and he would be damned if he didn’t cherish this. 

_ You can take the darkness from the pit of the night and turn it into a beacon burning endlessly bright.  _

There were implications behind it. Implication of love and want and Jeonghan found himself straining his ears to make sure he heard everything correctly. Not wanting to miss even a single word. Not wanting to miss feeling any emotion. 

_ I’ve gotta follow it because everything I know, well it’s nothing till I give it to you.  _

Seungcheol had his head buried in his knees but Jeonghan continued to look at him with the same expression. His eyes were slowly filling up and he wasn’t sure why. 

Maybe it was the words. 

Maybe it was how well he could relate. 

Maybe it was how he felt the  _ exact same way  _ about Seungcheol. 

_ I can make you every promise that’s ever been made. I can make your demons be gone.  _

They both fit the part perfectly and Jeonghan shuddered at the thought, still reeling from the realisation that Seungcheol  _ needed  _ him just as much. That he had helped Seungcheol deal with everything in some way on his own. 

He reached out to the other boy then, taking hold of his hand first to make him look up at him. He was scared. No, he was terrified of what this all meant for them but one thing was quite clear. 

_ But I’m never gonna make it without you,  _

They needed each other. They were both tied together so intricately that neither could escape even if they tried. 

_ Do you really wanna see me crawl,  _

Seungcheol’s eyes were red rimmed, cheeks shining with tears that were messily wiped away. He looked like a kid for once. Scared, innocent and hopeful. Jeonghan’s heart broke at the sight but he couldn’t get the words out. Far too choked up. 

_ And I’m never gonna make it like you do, _

He was too overwhelmed to talk but that didn’t stop him from throwing himself at the other man. Hugging as tight as he could, holding him as close as he could. Needing him to know that he felt the same love for him if not more. 

_ Making love out of nothing at all,  _

“I didn’t think it would make you cry this much.” Seungcheol laughed as he hugged back just as tight. Their hearts were beating faster, almost as if they were in tune with the beat of the drums. 

“I need you. I’ll always need you. I look forward to seeing you every day.” Jeonghan was rambling as well now, saying everything he hadn’t been able to before. He didn’t need to hold back any longer. 

“And I know when the time is right, you’ll take me away from here.” The last part was whispered, another secret shared between them. Another promise made. 

_ But I don’t know how to leave you,  _

_ And I’ll never let you fall.  _

* * *

Sex. 

It was popular among the kids at his school. They were all perpetually horny and Jeonghan easily pretended that he didn’t think they were pathetic. 

At first he couldn’t see the appeal. At all. Something about another person touching him like that was revolting. 

_ “You’re precious, Jeonghannie. No one should ever touch you.”  _ His mother had said those words to him all his life and he had always found them off putting, creepy even but they stuck with him. To the point where he began to cherish himself. Thought that he was far too good for anyone and their dirty hands. 

However, that all started to change once he began to see Seungcheol in a different life. Once he began to notice how good Seungcheol’s plum lips felt against his own. Once he began to notice how easily Seungcheol’s big hands enveloped his small. 

Seungcheol was beautiful in his own way. Broad and muscular. Far wider and bigger than him in so many ways. 

He liked everything about him, from his face to his hands to his body. And for the first time in his life jeonghan felt the urge to give himself up to this man. 

“Does sex feel good?” Jeonghan asked Seungcheol from where he was lying in his lap, eyes bright and inquisitive. Seungcheol choked a little, his cheeks colouring a bright red and jeonghan scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. Surely this wasn’t something embarrassing. Was it? 

“I don’t know. I guess it would depend on the person you do it with.” Seungcheol replied after taking a long moment to think about it, Jeonghan was an impatient person and he would have been annoyed by now but he understood that this was uncharted territory. 

“Was it good when you did it before?” 

“Wow you’re chatty today aren’t you?” Seungcheol chuckled awkwardly, clearing his throat when he detected nothing but curiosity on Jeonghan's face. “But yeah no, it wasn’t great but it was okay, I guess.”

Jeonghan nodded seriously, taking some time to take in that information.he had a decision to make and he had to make it now. 

“Okay. Okay, so we should do it.” He said resolutely as he sat up to look Seungcheol in the eyes. They were still seventeen and this was probably not a good idea but Jeonghan had just about had it with playing by the rules. He could allow himself this much. 

“What! What?” Seungcheol sputtered, staring at him with wide eyes. It was kind of cute if he would just close his mouth. 

“I want to have sex with you, Seungcheol.” He said it slower this time, clearer and with more determination. 

“No! I mean, yes me too but not like this! I want to take you out first!” Seungcheol, ever the gentleman. 

“I don’t think that would be possible. Ever. Let’s just do it.” Jeonghan grabbed at him but Seungcheol just swatted his hands away. 

“No, wait, I have a solution!” He held both of jeonghan’s hands in his own, finally getting him to look at him and listen. “Your parents go out of town at the end of every month right?” 

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, we’ll get Martha to help and you can sneak out with me, the same way I get in.” Seungcheol sounded excited and Jeonghan could admit that he was as well. 

He had never considered this fact before. He had never even thought of sneaking out. Ever. 

But Seungcheol was right. This was a good plan. Martha, the housekeeper, loved him. She even felt bad for him and knew all about Seungcheol’s visits. She was more like a mother to Jeonghan than his mother ever was. She would surely help them out. 

“We could go out to the drive-in cinema that you’ve always wanted to go to.” 

“Seungcheol, you don’t have a car.” 

“I’ll borrow Jihoon’s.” Seungcheol was practically vibrating with excitement and Jeonghan felt the same. 

“It’ll be our first date.” 

“And we’ll have sex.” 

“Don’t ruin the moment, Hannie.”

* * *

True to his word, Seungcheol had snuck him out of the house at the end of the month. Martha has been all too willing to help them out and Jeonghan would forever be grateful to have her. 

Jeonghan was thrilled with it being the first time he would be out of the house with someone other than his parents. It was like seeing the city with new eyes and the feeling was indescribable. He felt free for the first time in his life. 

And true to his word, Seungcheol had made it the best for him. He had treated him to good food, had complimented him endlessly, feeding his ego. Jeonghan felt light headed with the excitement and happiness he was feeling. 

It felt as if the world was theirs and he had no worry left in the world. For this night he was free from his parents chains and he would take complete advantage of it. Break every rule he had been scared to break. He could do whatever he wanted, he was invincible on this night and nothing could ruin it for him. 

He had let another man touch him that night as well, had offered up his virginity to Seungcheol and it was the easiest thing for him. He was confident with his body, knew that he had nothing to be afraid of, especially when it was Seungcheol the one he was surrendering to. 

His mother would not approve but jeonghan didn’t care even the slightest bit as he gave in to the pleasure. 

They had been late to the movie as well. Both of them sitting in the car with flushed cheeks, disheveled hair and uncontrollable giggles. 

It was unreal what he had just done but jeonghan had no regrets whatsoever. Especially not when he saw Seungcheol shining so brightly next to him. 

With him, there were no regrets. 

* * *

“Do you sometimes wish you had different parents?” Jeonghan said as he next to Seungcheol on the roof of his house. 

It was Seungcheol’s idea and for some reason the other boy seemed nervous today. Jeonghan could tell from the way he was fidgeting incessantly. His eyes didn’t rest in one place and he was already on his second cigarette. He didn’t question it but he could tell something was bothering Seungcheol. 

“No,” Seungcheol finally looked at him and took a long frag from his cigarette. Jeonghan hated it but he could never tell Seungcheol to stop because he insisted that he needed this. 

“I wouldn’t be who I am now if I was born to someone else.” A long exhale. Jeonghan watched the smoke rise up into the sky, it blurred Seungcheol’s form a little and Jeonghan felt a tug at his heart. “Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have an easier life but I’m not ashamed of who I am now. It took a lot to put myself together and I wouldn’t want it any other way now.” 

The words made a lot of sense. Their parents played a huge role in making them into who they were but not in the positive way one would assume. Their restrictions and their strict rules had shaped their childhood, and had forced them to grow up far too early. Forced them to look for a way out. 

As Jeonghan looked down at the ground he thought of how easy it would actually be to get an out. All he needed was a little push. 

But that push would never come. Instead he was pulled back in by Seungcheol’s deep voice. 

“But there’s only a few more months left. Then I won’t need them.” 

Jeonghan knew for a fact that Seungcheol had been saving up for years to find a way to leave and he desperately wanted to be a part of his plan to leave. He already had money and a scholarship for a college in a different state. All he needed was to turn eighteen and then he was free.

Seungcheol was the only one who had gotten him through all this. Jeonghan didn’t think he could ever make it without him and so he had wasted no time in applying to the same college. 

Seungcheol would never leave him alone. He had promised him that and that was something Jeonghan will forever hold on to.

“Then I’ll become a lawyer, make lots of money and keep kids away from their awful parents.” Seungcheol was a little zoned out and jeonghan reached out to hold his hand, smiling at him supportively. The smile he received in return was almost blinding. 

“Am I anywhere in that future?” He had hesitated before asking but he needed to know the answer. 

“You’re in every future I think for myself. You’re the only good thing in my life.” He was always so sincere that Jeonghan was left speechless. 

Seungcheol was too good to him, surely he was the one good thing in his life as well. Someone jeonghan would always be grateful to. 

“Just a few more months and we’ll make our future together, baby.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. To My Youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay honestly this was only supposed to be 2 chapters but I got carried away and I had to fill in the gaps lol. But enjoy! 
> 
> TW for assault. It’s marked with ** incase you want to skip over.

“Jeonghan, baby, come on. Get up we have to leave.” 

4 am. 

It was far too early to wake up. Why was he being woken so early? He had told Martha a million times that sleep was important to him, he could wake up when he wanted to. He swatted at the hands shaking him awake with a loud whine. A hand came to clamp over his mouth and that was when it registered. 

Baby. 

Seungcheol. 

Of course. 

Jeonghan sat up the next moment, so quickly that he almost knocked right into his boyfriend. Seungcheol fell back with a grunt, overreacting like he usually would but they didn’t have time for his theatrics. 

October 21st. 

The day they would finally get away was here after months, no  _ years _ of waiting. The thought of leaving had jeonghan on the edge but there was nothing he was more sure of.

This was his one and only chance and if he let it slip from his hands then he would be trapped forever. Worse of all he would have to succumb to loneliness once more and let go of Seungcheol. He couldn’t do that. He was far too selfish to let Seungcheol go so easily. Where he would go, Jeonghan would follow. 

“Woah, easy now.” Seungcheol laughed slightly as he helped a still slightly disoriented jeonghan out of bed. His hair was a mes and his sleeping robes had ridden far up his thighs. He wasn’t put together, wasn’t worth looking at when he was like this. Seungcheol was never supposed to see him in this state. Jeonghan would not have allowed it and now, he felt a little embarrassed, wanting Seungcheol to look anywhere but at him. 

However that was too much to ask for because even in their haste Seungcheol had chosen to stop everything he was doing to just stare. His mouth tilted up slightly and his eyes glazed over. Jeonghan didn’t know what that look meant and he  _ hated  _ it. Hated not knowing what Seungcheol was feeling. Hated that he didn’t know what Seungcheol thought of him.

“What?” He spit out harshly, eyes narrowed at Seungcheol as he sat on the edge of the bed, helpless and insecure. 

“Nothing.” Seungcheol laughed again, shaking his head slowly as a hand came up to rest on his bare thigh. It was placed far too high, with no pure intentions. Jeonghan let out a sigh of relief but he made sure to keep the irritation on his face. 

“You’re pretty.” Seungcheol sounded as if he was in a daze and Jeonghan felt his confidence slowly return. This man found him pretty at his most unkempt. He was truly too good to be true. The hand on his thigh squeezed a little and jeonghan was only reminded of it then. 

“We don’t have time for this right now.” He swatted Seungcheol’s hand away with a wide smile on his face. Getting up quickly to change and get everything he needed. They were seriously running out of time. There wasn’t much he had to take, just a suitcase filled with essentials and all the money he had managed to gather. Thankfully his parents had no issues in throwing money at him to keep him from leaving. Once the money was in his bank account, they could do nothing about it, especially now that he was an adult. He had made sure he didn’t take a single that his parents could claim. The last thing he wanted was to have anything connecting him to them. 

Jeonghan dropped his robe on to the floor immediately, knowing fully well that Seungcheol’s eyes were on him. He felt them, the way he raked his gaze over his naked form. It gave him the satisfaction he needed, made him feel reassured in his beauty. 

“Get my bag out of the closet while I change.” He giggled a little, quickly pulling on his underwear, throwing a shoe at Seungcheol when he took too long to move. They had a flight to catch, now was not the time to get his dick wet.

* * *

“You sure you have everything?” Seungcheol questioned him once they had made it over the walls of his house. Jeonghan absentmindedly wondered why his parents never put cameras up in this part of the house. Perhaps they had forgotten or they thought no one would be crazy enough to pass through the trees. Luckily for him Seungcheol was just that crazy. 

“Yeah, I do. And even if I didn’t there wasn’t any way to get it now, huh?” Jeonghan teased him, liking the way his cheeks coloured. 

“Yeah. Come on, let’s go. Jihoon’s waiting.” Seungcheol pulled him towards the direction of the car and just like he had said they found Jihoon asleep at the steering wheel. 

“Why did you bring him?” Jeonghan whispered as he watched Seungcheol shove the suitcase in the back. He didn’t mind jìhoon at all, he considered him an acquaintance at most but this was too risky. This was supposed to be a secret. 

“We need someone to drive us to the airport and this is his car.” Seungcheol said it as if it was obvious and Jeonghan had to admit that it was. He was a little too skeptical right now. “Besides, he’s going to the same university as us. He knows everything anyway. You can trust him, Hannie!” 

He wouldn’t trust him so easily but since Seungcheol asked he could give him a chance. He had been kind enough to lend them his car multiple times and he hadn’t snitched on them yet. Jeonghan could accept this.

Seungcheol slammed the trunk as hard as he could, scaring Jihoon awake. He jolted as he awoke, almost hitting his head on the steering wheel. It made Jeonghan laugh despite the anxiety that had begun to build up. 

This was all real. It was final. There was no going back. His life was about to change dramatically and he had to make the most of it. There was no time for doubts or regrets. His life was his to live. He had to leave, had to figure out who he was and what he wanted. 

And he wasn’t alone.

“Ready to start our new life, baby.” 

He had someone to love him. Seungcheol with his big smiles and even bigger heart. One thing was for sure, Seungcheol was a part of him. And as long as he had him, he would be okay. 

“Ugh, I feel like I’m aiding criminals.” 

“Shut up, Jihoon.” 

* * *

New York air. 

It wasn’t much different to their hometown but it held the promise of new beginnings and a life with no regrets. It was much more polluted as well but each breath felt much fresher than it had before because now, now he was free. 

Jeonghan had never experienced pure joy like this. He considered the time he spent with Seungcheol when he was the happiest but this was definitely on top of the list. It felt like nothing else. It was indescribable. 

“You seem happy.” Seungcheol took his hand in his, stepping up next to him.he had a similar smile on his face and jeonghan wouldn’t tell him but he looked beautiful. 

“I am. I really really am.” Jeonghan couldn’t hold himself back. Everything was new and unknown but the only thought running through his mind was how he had managed to escape. 

“You ready to go see our home then?” Seungcheol pulled him closer by the hand tugging him in the direction of the train. 

It was his first time on public transport. They couldn’t find a seat and people shoved at him, so many times that He was pressed up against Seungcheol’s body. Seungcheol had eventually spun them around, letting Jeonghan lean against the body of the vehicle as he shielded him with his own body. But even the overcrowded train and the people invading his personal space couldn’t bring his spirits down. 

This was a new beginning.

A new him.

And he would learn to be better with Seungcheol by his side.

<hr>

One train ride and a short walk later they stood outside an old apartment building. It wasn’t awful but it definitely wasn’t as modern as the other buildings jeonghan had seen on their way here. However it was a miracle they had even managed to get something. New York wasn’t cheap, Jeonghan was well aware of that. 

“I know it doesn’t seem like much but just have a look inside first.” Seungcheol seemed awkward and unsure, Jeonghan thought he knew why and he smiled at the other boy reassuringly. He didn’t really care for this, it would be okay as long as they had a roof over their heads. The thought had surprised him as well. Two months ago he couldn’t even stand the thought of living in a place like this but now he was willing to live on the streets if it meant he had his freedom. 

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

* * *

“Wait, I thought we were broke right now. This does not seem like an apartment broke people can afford!” Jeonghan was honestly surprised from the moment Seungcheol had opened the door to the apartment. 

It was spacious. Two bedrooms, a decent kitchen and a sizable bathroom. Best of all the living room was great, already furnished with a comfortable looking couch, a flatscreen television and a rather luxurious looking shag rug. And the windows! They were definitely Jeonghan's favourite part of the house. He didn’t know why but perhaps it was because of the clear view of the city he had. Where the fuck had Seungcheol gotten enough money for this. 

“We didn’t buy this apartment.” Seungcheol chuckled as he dumped their bags on the living room floor. Jeonghan wondered if he would have to get used to Seungcheol making messes like this. 

“Oh God! Seungcheol, did we break into someone’s house. Oh my God!” That was a concern. Jeonghan had just found his freedom; he didn’t want to be arrested so soon. 

“What! No!” Seungcheol immediately cried out, coming close to Jeonghan to pull him onto the couch. “I suppose I should have told you this before.” 

It was scary to hear him talk like that, to see him so serious all of a sudden. It made the ball of anxiety in his stomach enlarge but he was curious to know what was wrong. 

“This apartment. It was my uncle’s.” Seungcheol’s voice was shaking and he couldn’t seem to make eye contact.  _ Was.  _ Surely this couldn’t be good news.

“He passed away about a year ago and he left everything he owned to me. His savings, his apartment, his car.” That seemed like something people would be pleased by but He sounded so, so sad that Jeonghan felt his heart breaking for him. 

“I’m thankful to him in so many ways. He was the only one I ever really considered family, you know?” Jeonghan didn’t know. Never in his life had he felt a connection with anyone in his family. He couldn’t relate to Seungcheol but he could sympathise with him. 

He knew what it was like to lose someone you cherished, he often had nightmares of losing Seungcheol, his only source of happiness. Just thinking of him made him upset so to know that Seungcheol had gone through something like that was awful.

“I’m sorry.” That was all he could manage, even when he wanted to say more. This was the most swunghad ever told him about his family. This was uncharted territory and Jeonghan was clueless as to how he was to respond. Should he comfort or should inquire more. He was just treading water at this point.

“My dad was so mad when he found out though. I don’t know why though. But I think it has something to with him not trusting me with anything.” Seungcheol continued on, eyes wet at this point but it seemed like the words kept slipping out before he could stop them. It was too much information to handle all at once. Jeonghan was well aware that Seungcheol’s father was a terrible man but he never knew the details. 

Was he supposed to share everything as well now that Seungcheol was? 

He wasn’t sure he wanted to. 

Seungcheol should stop as well. 

And thankfully he did. 

“I’m sorry, I’m bumming you out with all this talk. Come on, I’ll show you the bedroom.” Just like that it was over and Jeonghan was honestly relieved. He wasn’t sure why but he just knew that he didn’t like seeing Seungcheol so upset and neither did he wish to know of what Seungcheol had been through in that house. Some things were better left unsaid. That was the rule for them and so jeonghan only smiled at the other and followed him into the bedroom.

* * *

It had officially been over two days since jeonghan had left his house and with the arrival of nighttime his anxiety returned.

How would his parents have reacted? Would they be searching for him now? He knew of their reach, they could find him in an instant if they wanted to. Jeonghan felt as if they already knew where he was and that they were waiting for the right moment to just drag him back. 

Of course they had already thought of that aspect and planned around it as best as they could. Legally, Jeonghan was an adult now and he had the right to move out if he wanted, he couldn’t be forced back home. All they needed was enough to settle, to make a living for themselves and then there would be no way for his parents to take him back. 

The one aspect that he had refused to think about was how his parents were evil enough to use other means. They knew all his triggers, his needs, they could take him back if they really wanted to. Which is why Jeonghan prayed and prayed that they would just give up on him. Give him the space he needed mad then maybe he would consider calling them his family, 

Those thoughts were futile however and for now all he had to do was focus on getting himself settled and keeping himself hidden till he was. 

It was easier than done. 

The darkness of the night only brought along unwanted thoughts and Jeonghan found himself on the couch. Fists clenched so tightly that he could feel his nails almost cutting into his flesh. 

He felt restless. 

Breathing uneven.

Shoulders heavy. 

Eyes burning. 

There was no way to know how his parents had reacted. No way to tell if they were out of the woods yet. There had been no word for two days and Jeonghan never knew when it was okay for him to rest. 

He hated not knowing. He hated having to watch his back constantly. Sleeping only a few hours. Constant worrying. He hated it. He hated it. He hated it. 

Why couldn’t he just let go? 

“Hannie, babe, what do you wa- hey!” Seungcheol entered the lounge, holding a phone book in hand. He was clearly about to ask about dinner but he was cut off by Jeonghan's obviously distraught form. 

“Woah, woah, what’s wrong?” Jeonghan wasn’t sure how he got there but he opened his eyes to see Seungcheol kneeling in front of him. Gentle hands place over his clenched fists. He never pried them open but Jeonghan began to relax at just his touch. His gentle wide eyes, full of love and understanding. 

“Seungcheol.” It’s all that came out. He wanted to say more, he wanted to scream and cry but all that left him was Seungcheol’s name, hoarse and pitiful. He didn’t know what this feeling was but he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t feel anything past the weight on his chest and the tightness of his throat. 

“I’m right here, baby. I’m right here.” His voice was like a breath of fresh air that Jeonghan was in desperate need of. His words were reassuring, reminding him that he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t to fight his demons alone. 

“Cheollie, I’m scared.” He threw himself onto the older boy, wrapping his arms around him so tightly, trying to remind himself. He wanted to be held, to be comforted, to be loved. 

Seungcheol responded almost immediately. Holding him close, rubbing soothing circles on his lower back. His touch was all he needed. 

“What if they find us? What if they take me back?” He mumbled into the crook of his neck, the tears falling without a care, “I don’t want to go back! I don’t want to!” 

He didn't want to leave now. He did not. 

“Shh, it’s okay, baby. I won’t let them take you. I won’t. No matter what happens, I’ll take care of you, I’ll protect you.” It was Insane how much he trusted Seungcheol, how easily he was calming down knowing that he was with him. “We’ll see Jihoon in a few days and then we’ll know what’s going on. We can see what to do then. Don’t worry.” 

“I won’t let anyone ever hurt you again, Hannie. I promise.” 

* * *

Another week passed like that. With jeonghan teetering on the edge at all times. The anxiety never really left him. It was pushed down when he was with Seungcheol, when it was still bright outside, when he was sure there wasn’t anyone watching from the shadows. But it never went away.

It got harder to sleep at night, it got harder to keep the blinds open and the doors unlocked. He always felt as if the next moment would be the last. That his parents would find him soon enough and drag him back, lock him up, with more restraints this time. 

But it never happened. 

A day turned into a week. A week into a month and soon they were only a day away from the first day of classes. 

Jeonghan didn’t know when but it seemed as if he had already made the transition from his old life to this one. Granted there wasn’t much of a change at this point. He didn’t do much these days, just sat and stared out the window at most times, wanting to go out but fearing getting caught. It was like that till Seungcheol called him over for dinner, looking at him with his sad, worried eyes and they were all jeonghan needed to revert back to himself. Never did he want to see the other man upset. 

Somehow it was always okay when Seungcheol was with him. 

“So, are you ready for college?” Seungcheol questions him from where he is sitting on the floor between Jeonghan's legs. They had just finished eating a pizza, the same animal documentary still playing in the background. They didn’t have cable and this seemed to be the only channel available to them at the moment. Jeonghan didn’t mind though, he didn’t really watch television and watching an animal go about their day was entertaining enough. 

“I don’t think anyone is ever ready for anything.” Seungcheol’s hair was always so soft, running his fingers through it was Jeonghan's favourite part of having Seungcheol close like this. Well, amongst other things. “But yeah I’m ready I guess.” 

He wasn’t sure if he was ready but he supposed there was no use in admitting that to himself. He had to believe he was so he could actually convince himself that he was. And the truth was that he didn't want Seungcheol to find out just how afraid he was to leave the house. 

A deep sigh from the other man told him that the truth wasn’t as well hidden as he had thought. But even if Seungcheol knew something he didn’t say anything and for that jeonghan was thankful. 

“You know I’m gonna be there with you every step of the way. So if there is someone you need at any time, I’ll be there.” There it was, the reassurance he had needed. They were just a few simple sentences but somehow at the same time they were everything jeonghan had needed to keep himself sane.

“You know it’s the same for you right?” Jeonghan leaned over his head to place a kiss on his head. Reassurances worked for Seungcheol, just as well as they worked for him. 

“Will you come watch all of my games?” Seungcheol leaned his head back to rest in jeonghan’s lap, a big dopey smile plastered on his face. Jeonghan was a weak man. 

“Of course! I’ll be cheering the loudest!” Seungcheol placed a kiss on his hand and Jeonghan could have melted on the spot. Such small actions were common but they were so tender and so sincere that jeonghan was always left a little breathless. Is this what your first love was supposed to feel like?

“Do you promise not to forget me when you make all those new friends?” Another question that didn’t need an answer but Jeonghan needed reassurance. Needed to be sure that he would remain as Seungcheol’s top priority. 

“Why would you even ask that? Of course I won’t! You’re what matters most.” A few words spoken. A big weight removed. 

Seungcheol really was one of a kind. 

“I know, I’m just teasing.” He wasn’t but Seungcheol did not need to know that. 

It felt like hours that they spent sitting there, staring, caressing, loving. It was all Jeonghan needed really. 

Seungcheol. 

* * *

Jeonghan wasn’t sure what he had expected from college but this surely wasn’t it. There were so many people here. That was a given but jeonghan wasn't used to this. People weren’t really his favourite. 

Seungcheol stepped up next to him to take his hand in his own, a reassuring smile on his face. However jeonghan had to admit that it did little to quell his nerves. There was no saving him any more. He had to stop pretending this was easy for him. 

This was the last thing he had imagined himself doing but perhaps it wouldn’t be too awful if Seungcheol could stay by his side like this always.

* * *

“Wait, so you’re telling me that Jeonghan’s parents have been doing absolutely nothing to find him?” Seungcheol cried out rather loudly. They had met up with Jìhoon when classes were over and Jeonghan had to admit that they weren’t as bad as he had imagined. He had been stared at by multiple people but he paid them no heed, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t even make eye contact. He went in, took a lecture and he was back next to Seungcheol the moment it ended. 

They were sitting on one of the benches next to the football field, finally getting some answers. 

“Nope, there’s nothing. No missing persons case filed and there’s nothing going on at the house that’s out of the ordinary. I drove by quite a few times.” It was strange. So strange. They had kept him locked up for so fucking long. Took his childhood away from him, his friends, his  _ life.  _ So how could it be that they weren’t looking for him.

“My dad doesn’t know anything either. There weren’t any calls to the police station and so he couldn’t get too involved either.” Jihoon continued and Jeonghan felt the bile rise up his throat. 

He felt bitter. 

Of course he had wanted nothing to do with his parents but he couldn’t help but feel betrayed. They were his parents. They had to be looking for him! Or was he that useless? Was he someone easily replaceable? 

_ You’re precious, Jeonghannie.  _

No. No, this wasn’t the truth. There was something else going on, something that was hidden from the local sheriff and from the people who knew the Yoon’s. There was something else going on because jeonghan was indispensable. He was precious. His parents loved him and they were surely up to something far worse. 

“So, that’s it? We’re in the clear? Just like that?” Seungcheol was far too gullible and Jeonghan could see the hope in his eyes. He was precious and Jeonghan would need to protect him. 

“This isn’t the end. It can’t be.” 

“Yeah, dude. I wouldn’t let it go so soon. There is no immediate threat but you can’t let your guard down completely, that’s crazy.” So Jihoon was useful. Jeonghan supposed if he had to make another friend it would be him. He was level headed and blunt, he had strong opinions and he wasn’t afraid to share them. Jeonghan could appreciate that. He could appreciate Jihoon. 

“Of course it won’t.” 

Seungcheol let out a long sigh and banged his head against the table, Jeonghan and Jihoon shared a smile over his childish attitude. 

<hr>

“I just can’t understand how you can watch this so easily!” Seungcheol shouted as he squirmed around on the couch. Body twisted and tucked behind Jeonghan as he tried to block the view.

“It’s only natural, Cheollie! Come on!” Jeonghan chuckled and moved away, making Seungcheol look at the television again. 

“Baby, it’s gonna eat the poor penguin!” Seungcheol had tears in his eyes but Jeonghan could see him sneaking a glance every so often. Curiosity was there but Seungcheol was unable to see others in distress. Especially small helpless animals. 

“Yeah because the seal needs to eat as well! It’s the circle of life!” Jeonghan cried out as he pointed to the seal closing in on the penguin. Seungcheol was laying completely behind him now, whining loudly. Who said animal planet couldn’t be entertaining? 

“I hate it! Why can’t it go eat something else! Like fish, there’s so many of them. Swim little penguin!” Seungcheol was finally looking at the screen now even after crying for nearly five minutes.

“He’s going for what he can find! Hunting isn’t easy!” 

“I bet you the penguin will escape.” Seungcheol was dead serious and Jeonghan loved a bet. 

“Fine, loser does the dishes.” 

“Well I hope you enjoy doing those.” 

It seemed as if he had spoken far too soon because soon the penguin had found itself some safety on the land, much to Seungcheol’s relief. The seal had jumped up after it but it seemed that it was just out of reach and after a while he lost energy. And so despite jeonghan’s continued cries it departed back into the water. 

Losing was not fun. What was worse was seeing the smug look on Seungcheol’s. The tear tracks made it a little hard to take him seriously but Jeonghan was annoyed anyway. 

He hated doing the dishes. 

“You’ll still help me, right?” Jeonghan turned to Seungcheol with a small pout and watery eyes.

Wandering eyes and no hesitation. 

“Of course, I will.” 

Truly too good to be true. 

.

“Seungcheol, honestly stop. This is taking far too long!”

Washing dishes was the worst. Jeonghan hated it but he did them well enough after a month of practice now. Right now, however, the task seemed impossible with Seungcheol blowing sud bubbled at him. The soap was getting in his hair and on his clothes and it made him cringe just thinking of how it would leave him after. 

His cries of frustration only spurred Seungcheol, his giggles were uncontrollable as he dodged jeonghan’s swats and blew even more bubbles. His cassette player was set on one of the shelves above them, blasting old hit songs as loud as the old machine could manage. Seungcheol was enjoying himself way too much, obnoxiously singing along to the songs as he continued to pester jeonghan.

Enough was enough. 

Jeonghan had finally had enough and he was quick to reach into the soapy water and splashed it onto his boyfriend as quickly as he could. Fast enough that he couldn’t back away or block it any way and he had to admit that it was so satisfying. 

His giggles mimicked Seungcheol’s now. This was definitely worth it. 

“You know this water is dirty right?” Seungcheol turned back to look at him, a big stupid smile plastered on his face. 

“Oh, really?” Jeonghan exaggerated as much as he could. Surely this wasn’t a concern to Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol’s smile only widened as he moved forward to grip Jeonghan by the waist. Pulling him close and smothering him with the suds despite his cries. It turned into a fight from there with both of them splashing water at each other, laughing uncontrollably. 

It was nights like these that jeonghan cherished. Time that he spent with Seungcheol. For once acting like the kids that they were. They had to grow up far too early and it was these moments left of his youth that Jeonghan had to cherish, that he had to remember. 

Suddenly the song on his cassette player and the both of them were swept up by the music.

Nothing’s gonna stop us now by starship. 

How ironic. 

Seungcheol’s eyes sparkled even in the low light, the smile on his face bright. He was what Jeonghan thought to be the perfect example of youth. How he never held back and achieved what he wanted was truly something and if jeonghan was being honest, Seungcheol was the bravest man he had ever known. 

“Put your hand in my hand, baby. Don’t ever look back.” Seungcheol sang along to the song, taking Jeonghan's hand in his own , intertwining their still wet fingers. Jeonghan felt giddy. This felt unreal because in that moment what he felt was true happiness. 

“Your obsession with these 80’s songs is unhealthy.” 

Seungcheol continued to sing at the top of his voice as he spun them around the kitchen, footing unstable and voice shaky. Jeonghan giggles along with him, enjoying being serenaded. 

“Come on, baby, don’t leave me alone in the chorus.” Seungcheol stopped for a moment to bring jeonghan even closer, foreheads touching and wet bodies pressed together. Seungcheol’s eyes were closed, his hair matted over his forehead. And his smile. A smile jeonghan would never tire of. 

He was in his simplest form and yet he was still the most beautiful person. 

“And we can build this dream together, standing strong forever.” He finally sang along, hesitant and quiet but Seungcheol’s grin only continued to spread. His eyes crinkled at the sides and Jeonghan couldn’t help but reach out to cup his face. “Nothing’s gonna stop us now.”

“And if this world runs out of lovers, we’ll still have each other. Nothing’s gonna stop us now.” 

They were far too loud. Too off key. Too giddy and excited to sing properly. Their laughs were uncontrollable and they were far too close to each other but nothing else mattered in that moment. 

For now it was only them. 

Seungcheol for Jeonghan. 

Jeonghan for Seungcheol. 

* * *

**

Another two months carried on in the same way and Jeonghan got even more adjusted to this life. He got a handle on the chores, he made friends with Jihoon and slowly but surely the anxiety of being chased was diminishing.

He could leave the house alone now, he could nap in the lounge with the windows open. He could walk around the college campus freely. He was healing and things could not have been better. 

But of course they couldn’t stay that way for long. 

He had let his guard down far too easily even after explaining to Seungcheol that his parents weren’t to be trusted. It was for this reason that he failed to notice the man tailing him before this. 

Perhaps things would have been different if he had been more careful but he wasn’t and here he was. Once again facing the prospect of being trapped. 

He had been on his way home from class, walking at a leisurely pace, enjoying the breeze carrying the smell of the crisp autumn leaves. He had been in no hurry and perhaps that’s why he heard the crunching of leaves close by. Footsteps that sounded far too close. A growing shadow. 

He hastened then, picking up his pace. His heart was beating faster as ugly thoughts spun in his head. He wasn’t safe. He was being followed and he had no idea by whom. 

The streets weren’t safe at any time and he didn’t have time to stop. Their apartment building was just a few steps away. All he had to do was be careful. There was no reason to jump to conclusions either. 

A part of him wanted to look back and make sure that he wasn’t being paranoid. He wanted to be able to assure himself that he was fine, that there wasn't a threat. 

He was being paranoid for sure, just a few more steps and he would be home. Home where Seungcheol would be, where Seungcheol would hug him and tell him that everything was okay. Home, where Seungcheol would keep him safe.

He wouldn’t look back. Only a few more steps to go. 

That was easier said than done because soon he was looking back only to be faced with an unknown man. 

Far taller and broader than him. His eyes were dark and wide, mouth set in an awful smirk, one that sent shivers down his spine. It didn’t seem that he was trying to blend in at all, with his all black ensemble and face mask. No, this man was here for a purpose and he would complete it. 

Jeonghan wished in that moment that he hadn’t looked back at all because one cold look from this man had left him paralysed with fear. He wanted to scream, shout, run away as fast as he could but instead he just stood there, his heartbeat loud in his ears and nails digging into his palms. 

Time seemed to have stopped and it seemed that all jeonghan could do was wait and prepare for the worst to happen. So when the first blow to his stomach came, he had expected it, he had been prepared for it but it still hurt the same. 

Jeonghan was sent tumbling over from the force of it, breathing laboured from the great impact. His head hit the tarmac and it was far worse than anything he had experienced ever before and it only got worse as the thought of being captured spread. 

He was once again helpless and he was ready to take the punches as punishment for being so careless. 

Except nothing ever came. 

Hesitantly, he opened his eyes at the sound of a loud groan and a thud.

Seungcheol. 

He came to his rescue just like he had promised countless times that he would. Jeonghan felt relief wash over him as he was once again reminded that he wasn’t alone. 

Seungcheol wasn’t alone either. He had jìhoon and the guard from the apartment complex but Jeonghan couldn’t care about them then. All he could think was how thankful he was for Seungcheol. How the other man was always there for him.

“Jeonghan, are you okay?” He felt Jihoon touch his face gently, almost as if he was scared to break him but Jeonghan barely registered. His eyes were locked on his boyfriend and all he wanted was to be in his arms. No where else was sufficient. 

He wanted to assure Jihoon that he was fine, wanted to thank him for his help but all that left him was a broken cry for Seungcheol. 

And Seungcheol was by his side the next moment. A comforting presence, a welcoming warmth. Jeonghan let himself fall into him without any hesitation. Glad to feel him this so close and this time he tried to memorise the way it felt to be in his arms just in case he wouldn’t be able to do so again. 

“I’m here, baby. I’m here.” 

That was all heard. All he needed to hear before he closed his eyes, letting himself drift into unconsciousness. 

* * *

The next time Jeonghan came around it was in their apartment.

Home. 

Held in Seungcheol’s arms, pressed close to his chest. 

Home. 

He wanted to get up, wanted to thank Seungcheol, tell him exactly what had happened. He wanted to assure him and himself that everything was okay, that despite this they were fine. 

But he didn’t do anything. All that left him was a broken sob and he felt Seungcheol hold on tighter, felt his worried gaze, felt the reassuring kisses that he placed on his forehead and in his hair. 

He didn’t want to cry. He wanted to be brave. He wanted to be able to move past things like this. However that was easier said than done and he was finding it difficult to move past the fact that he could have been seriously injured, that he could’ve been dragged back to the house that felt more like prison. 

It was all too real and he was far too weak, too traumatised to do anything but cry as he clung to Seungcheol. Holding on for support. Holding on to remind himself that the worst had passed. Holding on to ensure he was safe. 

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, with Jeonghan crying inconsolably and Seungcheol holding him through it. There were kisses pressed to his hair, words of comfort spoken but Jeonghan only stopped crying when no more tears were left. He had cried till he was exhausted but it did nothing to lessen the burden. However he could admit that this breakdown was a long time coming and he felt just a little lighter having let it out. 

Seungcheol continued to look at him with his sad, concerned eyes and what Jeonghan could recognise as guilt. Except none of this was his fault. He was never the one to blame, which is why jeonghan let out a tired laugh and nuzzled into Seungcheol’s tummy. 

“I want a shower.” 

* * *

This was nice. This is what he had thought about on the way home and it had been pushed back by that man. Jeonghan was still bitter about it. He was still bitter that his body refused to catch up with his mind and see this event in the same way. 

It almost seemed as if he was disconnected. His mind was searching for a positive outcome, expressing anger at the man and at his parents but his body was still in shock, it seemed. No matter how much he tried he couldn’t find the energy in himself to even lift an arm and he had to let Seungcheol undress him and put him in the bathtub. The injury to his ribs only seemed to make things worse, making him want to coil up in pain at the slightest movement. 

It was embarrassing. Jeonghan didn’t like being so dependent but there wasn’t anything else that could be done at this point either. 

The hot water and Seungcheol’s fingers in his hair however took that feeling away and replaced it with an odd sort of contentment. He had been through something traumatic but all thoughts were pushed out of his head then. Instead he wanted to focus on the gentle way Seungcheol touched him. The way he never pushed him and waited patiently. 

And after all that care, Jeonghan didn’t care about his independence and let Seungcheol lift him out of the water. He let him pat him down with one of his fluffy towels.

Seungcheol was extra gentle then, being mindful of Jeonghan's injuries as he dried him. Massaging the sore muscles and steering clear of the bruises that were starting to form. 

“I don’t think your rib is broken but we’ll keep checking on it, let me know if you feel nauseous or have any trouble breathing.” He sounded almost like a doctor and Jeonghan laughed a little to himself at the thought. However it clicked a moment later why he sounded so knowledgeable and the smile was wiped clean off. No one should know how to deal with injuries for that reason. 

“I’ll get you some ice and that will stop it from bruising too much, it’ll stop the swelling a bit as well but don’t count on it. Also you should take some painkillers for it, it’ll start hurting soon and it’s better to stop it before it does.” 

Seungcheol was rambling on and on, never making eye contact with him and Jeonghan could feel his heart breaking into pieces, for the first time in his life being faced with what Seungcheol had endured in that house. 

“Hey, I get it. Let’s take it one step at a time, yeah?” He held Seungcheol’s face in his, feeling how hot it was. It was all he could offer and he hoped that it was enough. 

After that he let Seungcheol dress him in his pyjamas. He let him dry his hair and he definitely didn’t complain when Seungcheol slipped into bed with him despite the fact that it was only seven. 

This is what he needed after a long day. 

Except it didn’t take long for him to notice the sniffles. 

Seungcheol was a crier for sure. He cried at movies. He cried when his teammates were hurt. He cried watching animal planet. He cried at everything but this somehow felt different. This time it was serious and Jeonghan knew that they had to talk about this despite his brain telling him to just toss it aside and move on. 

“Cheollie,” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this happened.” Endless apologies and a heavy heart. 

But this was the last thing Jeonghan wanted. 

“None of this is your fault.” 

“I promised to protect you and I couldn’t.” 

He may have promised that but there was no way he could do so at all times. Life was unpredictable and often you couldn’t keep promises that you wanted to. While Seungcheol’s promise had reassured him and provided him with a sense of security, Jeonghan knew how to face reality. 

There wasn’t any disappointment. 

“And you did, you came for me just in time and that much is enough Seungcheol. I don’t need you around me at all times like a bodyguard.” He bumped heads with Seungcheol, resting his forehead against his. 

“I need you here as my boyfriend. I need your help to get through this but I don’t need you to beat yourself over things like these. My parents are awful people and _I_ need to protect you from them. You’re so important, Cheollie.” 

This was the most candid he had ever been. Feelings were complicated and he had a hard time with them but Seungcheol deserved at least this much. After all the care and love he had given to him, this admission was the least Jeonghan could do. 

"Don't beat yourself up on something you have no 

control over." 

He leaned in slowly to press a gentle kiss against Seungcheol's lips, treating him with the same tender affection he had always received. His tears were drying up and he was no longer trembling in the same way. 

"Tomorrow we'll go to the police station and we'll sort things out. Don't worry, Cheollie." The smile was back on his face now and he could easily admit that it was sincere.

He was no longer afraid as he had been rather he only felt anger at how he had reacted and how he had been so weak. They didn't have time for such behaviour. 

Jeonghan had to wake up and get a grip on his own life, take what was his before he was wholly consumed by his parents might 

One way or another, he had to take his life back. 

* * *

"Well, Mr, Yoon I'm sorry to say that there isn't anything we can do for you in this regard." The police officer in charge of Jeonghan's case delivered the bad news to him merely hours after investigating the man they had managed to arrest yesterday.

"It turns out this man was hired by a private investigator at the request of your parents and while we can press charges on him, we can't say the same for your parents."

Jeonghan already knew this would happen. He had expected this much from his parents, there was no way that after years of keeping him hidden from the world they would let him go so easily. He knew how much he meant to his parents and while he loved being the centre of attention, he wished he had none of his parents'. 

There was also no way to charge his parents for anything because somehow having money meant that they were above the law, that they were free to do as they pleased. 

It made him sick to the stomach. 

"Legally, since you are considered an adult by now, there is no law that would force you to go back to them." That was relieving, he supposed but it was something he already knew. 

"It feels as if this is more of a family matter and for that reason my hands are tied. I can't help you much with this but I can have an officer patrolling your area." 

Jeonghan already knew that the police wouldbt be able to help. This was between him and his parents and he had to end this himself. However what this officer had offered to do for him was nice enough and Jeonghan already knew that he was receiving special treatment. 

His name would get him this much and it was an advantage he could appreciate. 

"Please do call me if something is wrong." 

<hr>

"So they're gonna keep that guy behind bars right?" Seungcheol walked next to him as slowly as he could, leaning and tilting so he could get a look at Jeonghan while walking beside him. He was tripping over his feet and stumbling but Jeonghan found it adorable.

"Yup." 

"Okay and what about your parents?" Another question. 

"Nothing they can do about them."

Seungcheol stopped walking then and after a few more steps Jeonghan realised that he had to do the same and explain himself. 

"They can't do anything because apparently the law does not apply to my parents. However we do get another officer to patrol our area!” 

Seungcheol didn't seem too happy with this news. Jeonghan could see that fear in his eyes, the uncertainty of what would happen clearly eating at him. 

“So what do we do now?” There was helplessness in his question, Jeonghan could tell immediately that he was beginning to worry, that his mind was beginning to fill with less than nice thoughts and he had to pull him out soon. 

“Now, i'll talk to my parents and sort this out myself.” 

“What? What do you mean?”

“What I mean is that I have had absolutely enough of their constant presence in my life and that it’s about time I took back what is mine. They’re so scared of me getting hurt but when it comes down to it they're the one who hurt me the most.” 

He was resolute this time. Nothing could deter him and from the looks of it Seungcheol had given up fighting him on this matter as well. 

“Fuck, I need a cigarette.” Seungcheol sighed and ran a hand through his hair, ruining it further. Jeonghan wanted to reach out and fix it for him but the wind was unforgiving today and there was no point in removing his hands from his pocket only for his efforts to be wasted. 

“So smoke one.” 

“Can’t.” 

“And why not? 

“I’m trying to quit.” This made jeonghan stop in his tracks. Seungcheol quitting smoking? when he swore that it was something he absolutely needed

“You are?” 

“Yeah, you don’t like the way the smell sticks to your hair or how I taste like burnt paper.” 

Truly too good to be true. 

Jeonghan has always complained about his smoking habit but he never told him to stop, not once but even then Seungcheol had read between the lines. Again he had given up something for jeonghan. Even if it was a nasty habit, he knew how much Seungcheol depended on it to relax, so the thought that he would stop for jeonghan. It was exhilarating. 

“Also, fuck, cigarettes are expensive here.” It was added as an afterthought, quietly but jeonghan still caught it.

And all he could do was scoff and pretend he hadn’t heard it all. 

* * *

Calling his parents was something Jeonghan had never envisioned doing after moving away but the situation was fragile and he had to at least try to reason with them. For Seungcheol’s sake more than his own, for the sake of their future together. 

He waited, just a few more days, waited till he was alone before he called. Seungcheol needed to be kept as far away from this as possible. At a safe distance so nothing could be put on him. 

He wasn’t sure what he was going to say or how his parents would react but he wasn't scared anymore. There were a thousand things that could go wrong but this was a risk he was willing to take, a risk that would allow him to live as he wanted. 

He wouldn’t have to run any longer.

Just thinking of talking to them brought back awful memories of nights spent alone in his room, nights he had spent staring out of the window, nights where he had wished he was  _ anywhere _ else in the world. 

All he had ever heard from his parents were words of praise but they never felt natural. Instead they felt heavy on his chest, like a constant weight pushing him down, keeping him trapped. What he was ashamed to admit was how those words had worked in keeping him obedient, how he had thought he was being protected. 

He never once doubted the love his parents had for him but that love had driven them mad, kept them from seeing reason. They had made jeonghan more of a prisoner than anything. Showering him with any material thing he desired so he was unaware of just how unnatural this way of living was. 

He held the phone up to his ear with trembling hands, waiting to hear the voice he hated the most. The voice that had always made him feel small, worthless, so alone. 

He hated it. 

He hated it. 

He hated it but he would endure.

“Hello.” 

* * *

“I got the job that I applied for! I start Wednesday!” Seungcheol announced happily over dinner one night and Jeonghan could feel his happiness. This was another step towards independence. Another step towards adulthood. 

“Hm, maybe I’ll get a job as well.”

“I don’t know if that’s safe, baby.” 

“Why not? My parents won’t be bothering us now anyway.” Jeonghan shoved another piece of chicken in his mouth as he looked at Seungcheol, winking at him. 

“What?” The surprise was evident and Jeonghan couldn’t hold himself back from laughing. 

And at that he recounted to Seungcheol how he had called his parents. How they had been so embarrassed and hurt by what had happened. He told him of how he had been resolute, ready to reason with them, ready to fight. 

And it was ultimately their disappointment in themselves for hurting him that convinced them to back off. Jeonghan could still recall the way his mother had cried and the sound had pained him. It was for that reason he promised to keep up visits provided he was given his space. 

It was a new beginning. 

One without fears. 

One where jeonghan was free. 

  
  


* * *

It was in his second year that he met Kim Mingyu. Tall, handsome and tan, he strode in with an air of confidence surrounding him and Jeonghan was intrigued. He carried himself with grace and yet he had a charming boyishness to him. He was different, Jeonghan decided. Different from the boys he had met on campus, different from Seungcheol. 

Where Seungcheol was calculated and authoritative, mingyu was youthful and spontaneous. He was openly affectionate, not caring for a second what people may think of him whereas Seungcheol was careful and methodically. Never crossing the line in any way. 

Kim Mingyu who liked to party, who knew how to enjoy himself and get what he wanted, when he wanted. Kim Mingyu who made quarterback in his first year of college due to his parents connections. Kim Mingyu who shamelessly winked at him before every game despite knowing Seungcheol was right there.

Jeonghan could admire his confidence 

And it was because of this admiration that Jeonghan allowed Mingyu to get closer. Closer than he had ever let anyone, other than Seungcheol, get. 

He allowed him to flirt, allowed him to touch him as he wanted. Allowed him to think that he had a chance when he knew well enough that no one could  _ ever  _ take Seungcheol’s place. 

However he couldn’t deny just how much he enjoyed having Mingyu’s complete attention. He liked seeing the younger go out of his way to appease him, he liked knowing that he was wanted. It was a feeling he had felt when Seungcheol had first tried to befriend him in high school, back when he had played hard to get but Seungcheol had been willing to play his games. 

It filled him with a weird sense of nostalgia and he wondered whether Seungcheol still felt the same about him, whether he still had Seungcheol’s complete attention. Whether Seungcheol was still willing to play these games. Or had their relationship gone stale already? Was Seungcheol already bored? Was he over him? Did he only stick around to protect Jeonghan like he had promised? 

They were dangerous thoughts and jeonghan hated them but there was no way to curb them. There was no way to know what Seungcheol was feeling and Jeonghan hated not knowing. He hated being left in the dark, doubting himself and their relationship. The thoughts came accompanied with guilt and it wrapped around him tightly, suffocating and ever present but Jeonghan didn’t dwell on it. 

Instead he let Mingyu sit next to him on the bleachers before football practice, just a few yards away from where his boyfriend stood. 

“Fancy seeing you here, hyung. Came to see your favourite boy?” The smirk on Mingyu’s face only grew as Jeonghan stared at him with an eyebrow raised. His statement wasn’t completely false, jeonghan was here to see his favourite boy, Mingyu was just wrong to assume it was him. His confidence was crazy. 

“I’m here everyday, Gyu.” That was also true. He always stayed back to watch the practice, completing his work sitting on the bleachers as he waited for Seungcheol so they could walk back home together. 

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I always make sure you have the best view.” Mingyu winked and leaned back slightly to show off his lean torso. Jeonghan could clearly make out the lines of his abs with how tight his shirt was. Jeonghan was loyal to Seungcheol but he could admit that Mingyu was hot. So, so hot. 

Jeonghan caught Seungcheol’s eye then, saw him staring at the two of them and a thought, less than nice, came to him. 

“Yeah, it really is.” He lifted a hand to place it on Mingyu’s chest, dragging it down slowly, feeling the ridges, the taut muscles. It felt good but he didn’t do this to enjoy himself. 

This was a bad idea, so, so bad but he couldn’t turn back now. He was in too deep with the way Mingyu’s eyes darkened, he had crossed a line and he knew it. 

“Be careful, hyung. You shouldn’t give me any ideas.” Mingyu held onto his wrist, tighter than he had ever been held. It was rough and uncaring and jeonghan hated it but he couldn’t give up just yet. Not when he knew Seungcheol was looking. 

Mingyu leaned in too close, to the point where he could feel his hot breath against his neck but he did nothing to stop him. Just a little more.

But even after that bold move there was no reaction from Seungcheol.

“What do you mean?” Play innocent. It was what he was good at.

_ keep him close, _

_ stall,  _

_ just long enough till Seungcheol interferes.  _

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.” Mingyu’s voice was rough and far too serious, it made Jeonghan lose whatever confidence he had. There was something wrong.

“I know what you’re trying to do but you can give up. Seungcheol hyung is too nice to do anything, he won’t stop you. So you should stop yourself before I get the wrong idea and stop holding back.” He pulled the hand he was still holding down, to place it back on his thigh and Jeonghan closed his eyes in defeat.

Jeonghan hated how he had seen right through the act. Hated how he was confident enough to make fun of him. Hated how he was scared of him. But most of all he hated how he was right. 

Seungcheol had done nothing. 

It annoyed him. It frustrated him. Angered him knowing that Seungcheol could see Mingyu getting far too close but he had done absolutely nothing to stop it. He didn’t question jeonghan, he didn’t tell the younger to back off, there was no big fight like jeonghan had imagined. Instead he offered a halfhearted smile and walked off to join the team. 

“There’s no point in testing him, hyung.” Mingyu moved away entirely now. Leaning back to look at Jeonghan with a smug grin on his face. Jeonghan wished he could punch it right off of his pretty face. 

“He’s too afraid to lose you. Or maybe he loves you too much to stop you from doing what you want. He has it bad for you but he knows you’re too good for him, so he won’t do anything even when he wants to.” 

"Don't test him like that. He won't react the way you want." 

* * *

And then slowly but surely Joshua began to work himself into their lives and Jeonghan could not stand it. 

Jihoon he could stand, Jihoon, he liked but Joshua was a whole different type and he never appreciated him trying to cosy up to Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol was exclusively Jeonghans and the other boy had no right to be so invasive or act as if Seungcheol was his to take. 

And poor, innocent Seungcheol seemed to be oblivious to how obliviously Joshua was flirting with him. How he would use studying as an excuse to spend more time with him. How he would cheer louder than Jeonghan at his games. How he was so openly flirting. 

Jeonghan wasn't sure who he was frustrated with. Joshua for his wickedness or with Seungcheol for being too damn innocent, too easygoing. 

Obviously he couldn't bring it up to Joshua no matter how much he wanted to. Jeonghan was sure he could take him, he was sure that he could win in whatever fight but he didn't want to come off as the bad guy. He didn't want the others to know what he was thinking exactly. 

Jealousy was an ugly emotion. An emotion that Jeonghan refused to acknowledge but then Seungcheol had given his sweater to Joshua on a cold winter night after a game and Jeonghan decided that what he felt was in fact jealousy. He knew from the way his eyes had watered. How he couldn't bear to look at the sight and how his stomach had churned uncomfortably. 

What hurt him the most was the fact that he was the only one feeling this way. Seungcheol seemed to have no problem with Jeonghan's flirting. He never even batted an eye, never started a fight, never even mentioned it. That clearly meant that this relationship was far more important to Jeonghan than it was to Seungcheol. 

Didn't it? 

It was an ugly thought but he needed confirmation. He needed to know that he was wrong. That Seungcheol loved and needed him just as much. That he wasn't just a way to pass the time. Someone to cling to in a time of need. 

It was then that it became clear to him that this needed to stop. 

* * *

Tuesdays were lazy days. A day where neither of them had classes and Seungcheol would go into work late. A Day that they would spend together, doing absolutely nothing but it still meant everything. 

However, something was off today. 

Something was wrong with Seungcheol. 

Jeonghan could tell from his restlessness and his wandering eyes. He couldn’t make eye contact and it reminded him of all the times Seungcheol had come to him after a fight with his father. Quiet, bruised and struggling. 

This reminded him of that too much and he couldn’t stand the silence for even a minute longer. 

“If there’s something wrong, tell me now. You’re freaking me out.” He flipped the pages of the magazine he was reading, trying to conceal just how anxious he was. 

“Are you happy?” It was sudden and frantic and Jeonghan was not prepared for something like that. Seungcheol looked out of it, eyes red and wide and jeonghan had to admit that he was just a little scared. 

“What do you mean?” He was confused. Where was this coming from and how was he supposed to answer. He wasn’t sure if he had an answer. 

“Do you feel happy in this relationship?” Seungcheol sat next to him, eyes filling with tears and from how tightly he was gripping Jeonghan’s hand he could tell that this was something far from an innocent joke. 

No, this question had meaning behind it. Something heavy that jeonghan didn’t know how to respond to. Was happiness something measurable? Was it something he was supposed to feel always? He wasn’t sure and he wasn’t sure what Seungcheol wanted from him either. 

“It’s just that, I’ve seen the way you look at Mingyu sometimes and it makes me wonder if I’m holding you back.” Jeonghan took too long to respond and Seungcheol continued, shocking jeonghan with the words that left his mouth. 

So he had noticed. He was choosing to do something about it. He was jealous just like Jeonghan had been. He was getting the reaction he had wanted, finally but why did it feel wrong. 

“Holding me back from what?” He was genuinely curious to know what Seungcheol had thought of this whole thing, so he chose to question him, knowing fully well that this would not end well. 

“I don’t know. We’re only twenty years old, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us and I don’t want you to miss out on things because of me.” 

It was absurd, the way Seungcheol was thinking but Jeonghan could understand him to an extent. However that didn’t mean that this didn’t upset him. 

“I just, I don’t want to be the reason why you don’t experience certain things.” Seungcheol looked down to the floor, the grip on jeonghan’s hands loosening as he finally let the tears fall down. 

What were these things he was talking about? 

Jeonghan wanted to ask, to know what exactly was wrong but he couldn’t. Not when swung looked like he would break if he touched him. Not when Seungcheol seemed to be struggling this much. 

“Which is why I think we should take a break.” 

A break? 

Seungcheol wanted a break. 

He wanted to break up. He wanted to leave. He wanted to end their relationship over something he had decided for himself. 

Anger. 

Pain. 

It was all jeonghan felt as he ripped his hands away from Seungcheol, almost as if his touch burned. He was angry and iphe was sure that if he hadn’t been so rash and talked this out they could fix this then and there but he couldn’t see anything past the fact that Seungcheol no longer wanted in his life.

“Get out.” 

* * *

Jeonghan had thought many things for his future. He had imagined in various different places and in every single future he had envisioned Seungcheol was by his side. 

Their future was together. 

But Seungcheol hadn’t thought so. 

It was why he had pushed Jeonghan away, it was why he was sleeping in the guest room while Jeonghan curled up into a ball in their bed. It was why Jeonghan felt so utterly  _ broken _ . 

And it was in those low moments that he realised just how much he needed Seungcheol. Just how much he depended on the other man. Just how entangled their lives were. 

The other boy had taken up more shifts at work, staying out as long as he could to avoid Jeonghan and all it did was twist the knife in deeper. 

He missed Seungcheol. 

He missed Seungcheol when he slept alone. He missed Seungcheol when he ate alone at their table. He missed Seungcheol when he did the dishes or the laundry. 

He missed Seungcheol all the time and he couldn't tell anyone when he had wanted. In those moments he wondered if it was worth it to judge Seungcheol's loyalty. 

He wondered if this was in fact his own doing. If this was his punishment for being selfish. For thinking that Seungcheol would do anything for him. 

But he wasn't the only one to blame. Seungcheol had not even given him an option. He had decided everything himself. He had assumed what Jeonghan felt and then he had found a way to leave. 

That was what frustrated him that most. How he was excluded from this decision and for that reason he wouldn't be the one to grovel back to Seungcheol. 

No. 

No, he was worth more than this. He was to be cherished. Not tossed away like this. 

  
  


* * *

Jeonghan never really understood much of football and he never really enjoyed seeing Seungcheol get tackled and injured on the field but that was what he was subjected to each game. It made his heart stop each time he saw Seungcheol tumble or when he saw him looking exhausted by the end of it. 

And now that they were on a break he had no obligation to be there either but it was a part of his routine to attend the games. It was a part of his life that was just as hard to erase and so he had no choice but to give in and sit at the end of the bleachers, accompanied by a guilty looking Jihoon. 

Jeonghan knew jìhoon was Seungcheol’s friend and that if he had to pick a side it should be his but Jìhoon was also the  _ only _ friend Jeonghan had. He couldn’t let go so easily either. And from the looks of it jìhoon was more upset with Seungcheol than he was with jeonghan. 

Jihoon was always smart. 

“There’s something wrong.” Jeonghan could trust Jìhoon with this. He would understand.

“What do you mean?” Well, he would understand after a little explanation. 

“Seungcheol. There’s something wrong.” 

While the others cheered Seungcheol and the team on all he could think of was how Seungcheol was not like himself today. He seemed out of it, almost as if he couldn’t see the ball, couldn’t see the oncoming people, couldn’t care if they won or lost. 

That wasn’t like him. Football was Seungcheol’s life, it had been since high school. He had been trained for it and he was damn good at it so what jeonghan couldn’t understand was how Seungcheol was failing to carry the game. 

It was frustrating but Jeonghan knew there was nothing he could do about since apparently he had no right any longer. If Seungcheol wanted a break, it was what he would get. Jeonghan couldn’t care less. 

Except he did. 

He did care.

He cared far too much and he hated himself for it. 

He cared when he saw Seungcheol get tackled. 

He cared when Seungcheol didn’t get back up again. 

He cared enough to run out to the field far before anyone else could react. The game be damned, Seungcheol needed him. 

* * *

Hospitals were awful, Jeonghan decided. This was his first experience in one and he was already developing a hatred. The emergency room was filled and they had wasted so much time before actually coming to help Seungcheol. It had angered him so much but there wasn’t anyone who could blame, the hospital seemed understaffed and so there was no way to blame them. 

But Jeonghan hated being there, being surrounded by people whose sadness consumed them. It was in the air, it seemed because jeonghan felt a weird tightness in his chest, leaning against the wall as they checked on Seungcheol. There was no assurity if what was causing him this pain. Was it the overall gloomy atmosphere? Was it the thought of never seeing Seungcheol again? Was it anger? 

He didn’t know. He didn’t care. All he wanted was to see Seungcheol and make sure he was okay. 

The doctor had told them that Seungcheol was just overworked and dehydrated. That he would be fine with some rest. Jeonghan had felt a little embarrassed for thinking the situation was worse than it was but he had seen Seungcheol pale and limp. He had seen him in the absolute worst state and his heart had barely been able to take it. 

But now he wanted to be able to see him and tell him just how dumb he was giving up everything like this. He wanted to tell him that this wasn’t even enough punishment for how much he had hurt them both. 

He was angry. So angry. 

But with Seungcheol, feelings were always weird. It was always something new and he supposed Seungcheol had to be the one to teach him about heartbreak as well. Just as he had taught him to care, to love. 

In the end everything came back to him and there was no way jeonghan was ready to give this up no matter how stupid and stubborn Seungcheol chose to be. 

He wasn’t ready to let this go. His eyes may wander and he may wonder how things could have been different but in the end Seungcheol was always the one he treasured. The one he needed on the days that he was low. The one he wanted to share everything with. 

Happiness was with Seungcheol. Sadness was with Seungcheol.

Whatever it was, Seungcheol was always there and Jeonghan knew he would never make it without him. 

* * *

“Hey.” 

A groggy voice woke him from his slumber and he was immediately sitting up in his chair. Taking a moment to assess his surroundings and then immediately rushing to check on Seungcheol. 

He obsessed over everything even when his mind was screaming at him to back away. 

"I didn't think you would be here." Seungcheol chuckled awkwardly, his voice was scratchy and his breathing was still unstable but he sounded like himself again and first that Jeonghan was relieved. 

"I was happy."

"What?" 

"A month ago, you asked me if I was happy. And the answer to that is that I was." He hadn't meant to do this now but looking at Seungcheol brought back awful memories and he just had to say something. 

"With you, I was the happiest I've ever been but you never let me tell you that because you decided that you were done. You chose to end it without ever really knowing how I felt.” 

It was all coming at once and it was the most relieved jeonghan had felt in a while. Feelings were the worst but perhaps they were easier to handle if he could share them. 

“You never knew how I felt. You forgot about me after. You never knew just how much I was hurting because you didn’t care, Seungcheol. I love you but you don’t care.” 

That was the first time he had ever said that. The first time he had acknowledged it for himself either but it felt good to say it out loud, to admit that he was in love with Choi Seungcheol. 

And it was clear from his face that Seungcheol was shocked as well. 

The next moment Jeonghan was in a strong embrace, a shaky voice in his ear and a thundering heart in his chest. 

“I love you as well. I love you so much. I never asked you how you felt because I thought you didn’t need me, I thought I was holding you back and I couldn’t stand that, jeonghan. I promised to make you happy but I couldn’t be the one holding you back.” It seemed like he was crying but Jeonghan didn’t care because so was he. They both were broken in so many ways but they always fot well with each other, that was all jeonghan could think about. That was all that remained. 

“I don’t want you to one day regret this relationship and the time you put into it.” 

“This is so much more than that Seungcheol. You’re it for me, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. You’re all I will want. We may be young but you’re the one thing in my life that I’m sure of.” 

Seungcheol only cried harder and Jeonghan joined him, clinging to each other, making up for lost time. 

Nothing was alright.

Nothing was fixed so easily. 

But they were together. 

Everything was wrong but it was alright. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol. New York seems like a fun place to live in! But it’s expensive! Hence the introduction of Seungcheol’s uncle! There’s no way two runaway teens camps make it there (but anything is possible)
> 
> Also josh and mingyu play an important role in Seungcheol’s POV of this fic which will be revealed if this is well received lol, 
> 
> Also idk why but I’ve decided homophobia doesn’t exist in this fic. There’s already so much going on in it and we don’t need that kind of negativity

**Author's Note:**

> I really put my heart into this and it’s just the first part.  
> The second one is gonna hit hard lol. But anyway I hope you enjoy this and please leave a comment!! 
> 
> Jeonghan has a very complex personality in this fic, it’s heavily influenced by his childhood and overbearing parents, he’s kind of a narcissist I think but more of that will be touched on in the next chapter! Please look forward to it! 
> 
> Also! Here’s a list of the songs that inspired this
> 
> Teen idle- marina and the diamonds  
> Fallinforyou- the 1975  
> Mystery of love- sufjan Stevens  
> Someone to stay 
> 
> And 
> 
> Runaway - aurora
> 
> Twitter: [dusksvt](http://www.twitter.com/dusksvt?s=09)


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